Another wave of pain has washed over me. As I sat and read details about the funeral, the obituary and discurse that were offered, reality came crashing down, once again, over my mind. For a little while I was able to pretend that nothing had happened, I pushed reality away from me, not accepting it. I stayed extremely busy this weekend, teaching and preparing people for baptism, and this helped me to keep my focus turned away from the tragedy at home. But as I read your words, Mom and Dad, I see now that it wasnt a dream, as I had hoped and falsy created in the inner chambers of my mind.
As I said to you while skyping, I dont believe that the magnitude of this has quite hit me yet and I dont believe it fully will until I am at home. I only have one other experience to compare this with, and that would be the passing of Michael Frost. When Michael died, my life, my day to day, changed immediately. Our interaction happened at a daily basis, we talked, texted, hung out, etc. so the immediate affects where big. Here in my mission, my external life and actions have remained the same since Chris passed. I am still doing the same thing and I am still thousands of miles away from everything. My communication with him was limited to email, which we exchanged on a monthly basis. So, it is hard for me to understand, to comprehend, exactly how I will feel when I return, when he is not there waiting for me in the airport.
I pushed through the week, literally pretending that it didnt happen; that it was a story or that somehow it wasnt permanent or a big deal and that in one way way or another Chris would still be there when I get back. But now I am beginning to realize that, in regards to this life, it is permanent, that there is no respawn or way of going back in time, and this frustrates me and makes me feel powerless to help the ones that I love.
I am working as hard as I can, honestly more because of the fact that I want the time to pass than the desire to help people. I just want to be home. I feel like I am living in a state of irony because I am here, working to ``save´´ people while back home my loved ones arent being ``saved´´ but, quite on the contrary, are dying. I feel like it is some kind of sick joke that I am being forced to live in.
Putting aside all of what happened mentally, emotionally and spiritually, the week was a successful one. We baptized two people and had many investigators at church. Thankfully I have something to focus on: baptisms. The harder I work to baptize someone the less time I have to think about what has happened and it helps me to remain stable.
Elder A. is being a good companion to me as well. He has spoken with me about how he felt and what he went through when his father died. His father was also taken unexpectedly and he has expressed his insight on the matter. He has been helping me. We talked about it a lot for the first three days after the incident but since then I havent wanted to. Its easier, for now, to not talk about it and to just work.
I am doing the best that I can to keep going. I really, really just want to be home but I know that God has work left for me to do here so Ill endure to the end the best that I can.
I re-read a book called The Message by Lance Richardson, that Sister Frost gave me after Michael passed away. I would recommend it to all. It short but insightful and helps me understand that Chris is all right and that he is at peace, even though right now, just talking about it, hurts.
To close today I just want to direct my testimony to my mother. Mom, I know that this is hard, extremely hard and its not something that a mother should ever have to go through but I know that it will be all right. I know that Chris lives, before the mission I believed that there was life after death but now I know it. I know that Jesus Christ is our Savior and that because of Him, all of us will live again. I know that God is merciful, I have seen His mercy in my mission. I know that the family is eternal, not just because of what the Spirit has told me but also logic. I know that the pain will fade but the memory and love will remain the same. I know that God created for us, a plan of happiness and that, as strange as it seems, a part of that plan is death. God loves us, he knows us. We are his children. He will never abandon us.
All of my love,
Elder Morris
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